Marriage: 6 Commitments-Lesson 9 "Canceling Debts 2.0"

Housekeeping

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Prayer

Chapter 6 “Cancelling Debts”

Matthew 5:38–46 CSB

38 “You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 39 But I tell you, don’t resist an evildoer. On the contrary, if anyone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. 40 As for the one who wants to sue you and take away your shirt, let him have your coat as well. 41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and don’t turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. 43 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be children of your Father in heaven. For he causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same?

Matthew 18:21–35 CSB

21 Then Peter approached him and asked, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?” 22 “I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven. 23 “For this reason, the kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle accounts, one who owed ten thousand talents was brought before him. 25 Since he did not have the money to pay it back, his master commanded that he, his wife, his children, and everything he had be sold to pay the debt. 26 “At this, the servant fell facedown before him and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 Then the master of that servant had compassion, released him, and forgave him the loan. 28 “That servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him, started choking him, and said, ‘Pay what you owe!’ 29 “At this, his fellow servant fell down and began begging him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ 30 But he wasn’t willing. Instead, he went and threw him into prison until he could pay what was owed. 31 When the other servants saw what had taken place, they were deeply distressed and went and reported to their master everything that had happened. 32 Then, after he had summoned him, his master said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And because he was angry, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured until he could pay everything that was owed. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to you unless every one of you forgives his brother or sister from your heart.”

Thoughts on these two passages?

Chapter 6 (Page 101)

What is Forgiveness?

Here is what you have to understand: forgiveness is a vertical commitment that is followed by a horizontal transaction. Both aspects of forgiveness are essential in the order that I have presented them.

What is the vertical commitment of forgiveness, and what is the horizontal transaction?

God is so that when you come to your spouse, you come with the right attitude (grace) and the right goal (reconciliation). Vertical forgiveness clears your heart of the baggage of bitterness and condemnation so that you can face her with her wrong in a way that is kind, patient, loving, humble, and encouraging.

the second part of forgiveness is relational. It is a transaction of grace between the person who has committed the offense and the person who has been offended.

How have you seen these at play in moments of reconciliation in your marriage or in other relationships? Have you ever tried to forgive horizontally without starting with your relationship with God? Why does that not work?

Often, forgiveness is a process, not an event.

Remember the question I asked in the email:

"Do we try too hard to rush forgiveness?"

Why is that?

Maybe, because when we are asked to forgive someone of the wrongs commited against us, we suddenly go from the victim to the person who is in the wrong for the hesitation…so then guilt creeps in and pushes us further away from God and healing.

Joe’s personal thoughts...”No matter what the pain, healing happens when our mind, heart and soul, led by the Holy Spirit, are able to see the event with the same perspective that God does. That’s when we develop the mind of Christ.

Galatians 2:20 CSB

20 I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

See, it’s not really about saying “I’m not going to hold this against you.” It’s about the WHY:

“The reason I’m not holding this against you is because I see the incident now the way that God does; I see that God was angry. I see that I was not alone. I see that there is justice. I see that Jesus paid for the sin that was done. I see that I’m precious to God and that it is God who defines my worth, not this thing that was done to me. Because I choose to see with a bigger perspective, I am now able to forgive you.”

Remember, forgiveness is a choice that we must make and be obedient towards, however; we need to decide to turn away from bitterness and anger and trust God. Rushing this process BEFORE we have truly gone to God and made these confessions and realizations will simply bury the pain to rise up again , heavier than before.

When is Forgiveness Needed?

Humility

Compassion

Trust

Self-control

Sacrifice

Remember the second question:

"Have we made 'Resolving Conflict' too generic, instead of understanding what conflict is?"

Kerry and I have come to the conclusion that we, in Christendom, call too many things “Conflict” that need to be resolved . In other words, we’re blowing some things totally out of proportion by calling them “conflict” and in turn we are minimizing other things at the same time.

When we think of conflict, we think of an issue about what you disagree-He sees the world one way and she sees the world another way.

That’s not conflict, that’s just a time that requires quality communication. Learn your spouses view as they learn yours.

Think about it, True Disagreements, in most marriages are quite rare.

Kerry and I counted up __ true conflicts in our past 31 years of marriage.

Yes, we have been talking about forgiveness, and yes there are times that forgiveness is primary, but let’s not forget...

During most “disagreements” it’s just because we’re ticked off at each other, it’s not a Breach of Trust…that’s the conflict that requires forgiveness and that’s the conflict that MUST be resolved.

And somehow these breaches of trust get lumped together with feeling ticked off at someone or not agreeing on what school you should send your child to, because they’re always in the same talk.

And soKerry and I have a new theory about conflicts which helps us figure out what the appropriate action is. Essentially, when we’re upset with each other the cause is usually one of three things:

The 3 Kinds of Marital Conflict

1. Silly conflicts–we misunderstand each other, assume the worst, or just get grumpy

2. Serious conflicts–we disagree about an important matter

3. Sinful conflicts–someone has broken trust

By framing “resolving conflict” as something you do to find a resolution, we treat silly conflicts like they’re more important than they really are.

Usually these can be solved with an attitude shift by the one who is offended, or by changing the way we act or react to each other. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.

But by framing “resolving conflict” as something that needs both of you to negotiate, we also downplay sinful conflicts, and treat them as if both spouses need to listen to each other and defer to each other.

In most cases, one spouse has broken trust, and that spouse has to rebuild it. Yes, there may be underlying issues in the marriage that must be dealt with, but that can only be done after the sinning spouse has truly repented and started taking more action.

In closing about this, the next time you feel ticked off, ask yourself: if this something we disagree on, something that somebody has sinned about, or am I just upset in general?

That will tell you which route you should take to start feeling close again!

That’s why it’s important to know: is it a silly thing, a serious thing, or a sinful thing? Most things, really, are just silly.

But if you’re in a chronically sinful situation, then treating it like it’s silly conflict won’t help anything.

Remember:

Forgiveness + Repentance = Reconciliation

A Better Harvest

What is your choice?

In Closing

Next week we begin to reveal our 2nd Commitment: “We Will Make Growth and Change Our Daily Agenda”

Please read chapter 7 “Pulling Weeds”

Pray